Just a few things…

What could have easily turned into a very bad last few days has actually been the wake up call I needed. Tuesday had its moments. E was late from coming home from his dad’s. I recently gave DB the opportunity to have another night to visit with E for a few hours. He accepted. All was well until E walked in the door forty-five minutes later than scheduled…on a school night! Not only was he starving, he hadn’t touched his homework, and needed a bath, BAD! Needless to say, I was not happy! Long story short…I sent a couple of texts asking for some help with these tasks and was totally shot down. Done deal. NO more school night visits with DB. I tried.

Just as E finished his homework, I asked him to get the bath water running so I could prepare his jammies. Just as his naked little behind was entering the tub I heard a blood curdling scream, “MOOOOOMMMMM!!!” As I came barreling through the house to see what was the matter, E whipped up the lever to turn the tub water on and off…it was laying in the tub! Apparently it snapped off when he reached to turn it on and freaked out thinking the house would flood before I could figure out how to turn it off. I ran down to the basement and shut off the water supply and wrestled the valve with some needle-nose pliers. Once I got everything under control, and my little guy calmed, I rigged the valve so I could fill up the tub (still have a really dirty kid on my hands).

The next morning, my first message was to my sister to ask if I could borrow her husband that evening. She agreed! Let’s just say that I found the part today, after much searching around town. He is on his way there to repair said shower! Thank god for small favors, right?

Well, as I’ve mentioned I have been doing a ton of soul-searching for the last month or so. I made a decision I would do this the right way instead of not dealing with things, which has obviously not worked in the past. I pieced together some things in the last few days that made me aware that DB was back with his gf from a couple of months ago. His lack of empathy with regards to taking care of E on Tuesday made this blatantly clear. He seems to treat me worse than usual when he has another option. It is just his style.  As is, preying on people who don’t love them selves very much in order to acquire what he craves…validation. Predictable to say the least.

Normally I would have had that feeling where your heart drops from underneath. You feel like you might lose it right then and there. Somehow, I didn’t. I felt relieved. Almost like I was happy. See, not long ago, I told him to take a flying leap. I was hip to what he was putting out there and it wasn’t long before I put my emotions aside to look at the big picture. Turns out, I was totally right! Not only did I save myself from having to dig out of that hole again, I saved my son from the torture of watching me go through that again. I finally have attained some self-respect and couldn’t be more pleased.

Then it hit me. Someone is going to have to go through what I have gone through. This made me incredibly sad. Sad because it is obvious that she must not feel great about herself to go back into that position to do the on/off thing with him again for the third time in a year (after he came crawling back to me towards the end of their ”relationship”, and pursued that for almost their whole break).  Sad because she hears very negative things about me as I do not make life easy for DB. I do not put up with anything from him at all, anymore. I’m positive he makes this known. She has no clue about who he really is and he has made that very clear to me. She is very young. I feel bad…for her?

All I can say is I am grateful that I am finally learning the lessons I need to. I can’t say it hasn’t hurt, but the affirmation I have received has made it all worthwhile. No more hate and no more negativity. I wish everyone involved the best of luck…although I can probably predict what will happen next. At least I know I won’t be a part of it anymore. I am headed in a better direction now. One that consists of me raising my son and loving every single minute I get with him. Also, learning to love me and enjoy the time I have left, before it’s too late.

 

 

 

The journey

The universe seems to have a funny way of teaching me lessons. I keep throwing myself into some less than desirable situations and hoping for a different outcome. After all this time, I do realize that something has got to change. If it wasn’t for starting this blog and communicating with others I doubt I would have faced some of the things I needed to. Well, maybe I would have, but who knows when I would have woken up. Although I finally grasp much of what I never realized, it has become very difficult to dig myself out of the hole I created. I don’t blame anyone, but myself.

Feeling bad about myself has been the driving force in so many of my decisions. Much of the bad I created, has been done by myself. In the past I have let my ego and rejection do the talking. I have followed my “heart” and in turn, have been led down some pretty destructive paths. Admitting this to myself was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Every time my emotions are trying to get the best of me, I remind myself that my insecurity is attempting to lead the way. It is me feeling like I have no other choice and not loving myself that has always gotten me into trouble. I take things very personally.

The truth is, I don’t particularly like myself. I never have. I have always felt less than. It started as a young child, and my rough exterior has become impenetrable over the years. Some close to me label it as gruff. When I start to feel that discontent for myself, the shell takes over (in true Crab fashion.) I have always felt like two completely different individuals. One that is empathetic, kind, soulful, generous, and strong. Unfortunately, the other is sad, angry, jealous, and weak. In the last few weeks I have been working to force myself to see the good in me. My goal, as of late, is to fall in love with me.

Since our unseasonably warm weather this week, E and I have taken to walking around our neighborhood in the evening after work. I have to admit, seeing him cruise his scooter down the street while our crazy dog chases him makes me happier than I could ever be. Breaking a sweat while I run after them to catch up most certainly feels better than being crammed in my house. I am starting small and still thinking of new ways to challenge myself every day. It is not easy!

Hopefully if I can push myself out of my comfort zone a bit, the rest of me will catch on. I crave something different, and something new. I don’t crave anyone new, more so something inside me. I feel very disconnected to myself if that makes any sense. Maybe once I am able to actually look at myself as an authority on me, I can feel more inclined to do something to change the future. I have faced the fact that being stuck really fucking sucks! The only person capable of changing stuck is me!

I feel those dreams rattling around in there somewhere…although they mostly feel too scared to come out.  The voice in the back of my head tells me to take a chance and step off the path of least resistance, but my responsibility screams otherwise. Like I said, starting small. It looks like so many of you have been where I am. I honestly can NOT thank you all enough for sharing your story. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be right now. So very glad I am not facing this journey alone!

Any tips that anyone can give me would always be greatly appreciated…:)

 

 

 

 

 

The one

Like so many others, I feel difficulty in expressing exactly what makes me tick. I teeter back and forth between what people see and what I really am. There have been several people in my life that I can relate to. But only one that ever truly appreciated who I was. This person was only in my life for a short while due to my limitations. Apparently I was unable to see what was right in front of my face. In the past three years I have thought about this person almost daily. He was the only one to have ever gotten past my rough exterior to see the person inside. And he adored that person.

I remind myself that I chose this path for us. When he pleaded and begged for me to wake up, I closed the door. For a long time, I did not look back. I forced myself to succumb to things I knew had no real meaning in my life. People that never deserved my love and attention took precedence over the one who really cared.

I had met R several times prior to our relationship. Every time I would run into him I was reminded of the crush that was developing. As much as I tried to ignore it, eventually it stared me right in the eye. There was no turning back. The first time we agreed to meet up, I knew that he would be different from the rest.

When I walked through the door at the local pub, I caught his smile immediately. We were mesmerized with each other. There was something different in the way he looked at me. He saw more than anyone else ever had. From that day forward, we were together. I could explain all the things that made it so, but the most important was that I could really be me. I felt no anxiety or apprehension. For the very first time in my life I felt what it was like to feel truly loved for who I was.

Months went by and our relationship progressed. We began making plans for our future, combining our families. Soon, there was a ring. A promise that he would always be by my side. At first, I was indescribably happy. Soon, my joy turned into fear. Well, needless to say, the fear took over. I pushed and pulled til there was no more.

For a long time we bounced in and out of each others lives.  We both made mistakes and dealt with them accordingly. It was about two years later when R finally moved on. I was happy for him. He deserved to have the happiness he wanted. I tried to remain friends but he was unable for obvious reasons. I understood.

It has been over a year from the last time we spoke. Even typing that makes me emotional. I miss him constantly and wonder often if he ever feels the same. I refuse to discuss this with anyone. I deal with it internally. This means that my dreams are often littered with images of him and us. My subconscious has a way of redirecting my thoughts to what is most important.  Most times, I awake with an empty feeling. He is what’s missing.

Because of my unresolved feelings I am unable to date. My soul tells me that no one will ever compare to him. I hope I am wrong. It has been so long since I felt a genuine person in my presence. I know in my heart that he is gone. He has a new life and I couldn’t be more at peace with that. Still, there is a part of me that dreams that he will walk back in one day. Although, I know it is not likely.

At times I wish I could erase these memories of him. It might be easier to settle then.

I know I can’t change what has been done. My only hope is that somewhere out there he knows how important he IS to me. I doubt he does. I screwed that up for myself. Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, this is my only regret. One that I surely, at this point, will doubtfully get past. At least I know that love does exist…

Dear YOU,

You know who you are. You’re the one who has the key. You can see right inside and I know it. I felt you there and you did too. We don’t have to say it because we both just know. I don’t want you to make me laugh. I would rather you make me cry, it is easier then. Don’t you show me who I wished you would be. Just be the one I don’t want. Stick to that, it is easier then. You always take that path anyhow, so now it’s my turn. Don’t you walk in here, you are not allowed. I boarded that secret door up long ago. I see what you are, not what you want me to see.

I used to think that was why I loved you, but it is why I couldn’t. I can’t. There is no going back now. At least now I think you know what I meant with all the words I ever said. Turns out, they didn’t need to be said to be heard.

This morning I shoved all those feelings through my chest and right out through my toes. They are gone now. No need to worry. You always feel bad that I might get hurt. I assure you, that won’t be the case this time. See, I love me more now. More than I could ever love you again. That is what was missing. It always turns out that way I suppose. I could tell you about all the things I feel about you, but I care more about how I feel about me. I wish you would too.

I used to hope you would find your way back, now I just wish you would find your way. You don’t have to set me free, I can do that on my own. I’ve known that, too. But when you look at me, and we both know that there won’t ever be another person who understands each other like we do…well, I want to smile. Because of that, I know that life is good. It means I can really feel. I can do anything, thanks to you.

I thought I would be the one to teach you valuable lessons, but it was you who taught me. I know that true love exists. Thank you for that. E will know it too. See, he has that piece inside of him that you have. I see it everyday. Except his tiny little piece won’t ever build walls around it. It will not shut down and close people out. It won’t be scared. Too scared to really live.  My job is to make sure that he knows that he doesn’t ever have to be afraid. The reward is worth the risk. You should be grateful for that. If that is the only good thing to come of us then so be it. It was all worth it then.

You won’t ever be able to stop and I know that now. It’s ok, I will stop it for you. The ride is over now and it is time to exit. Please do so carefully. We don’t need any more tragedy here. This lifetime between us has endured more pain than I am willing to admit.

Please find that person. I know he is in there, I saw him. When you find him, tell him hello and that it’s ok to come out. He doesn’t have to be scared any more.

xxxx…no oooo’s

Love, me.

 

Just like my mom always said…Life is not fair.

There have been many changes and realizations over the past two years, that I often find my head spinning and YES- I know I say this all the time. But it is true.  I consistently put out the nearest fire, and lose focus on the smoldering ones in the hopes that they will eventually dissipate. This is my coping mechanism. One that I have most diligently attempted to change for quite some time. I need to deal. I know this, and didn’t learn it a moment too soon. There is something that I have chosen not to deal with at all. Something that I will have to face in this life and pressumably in the near future once again.

My mom has been sick for most of my life. She has suffered from various health limitations one way or another, as have I. When I was a child and the sick one, my mom was the strong, calm one. She was rational, protecting, and comforting. I never saw her bat an eyelash when I had to be rushed to the ER in the middle of the night after a seizure. The tables have turned.

Most recently within the last several years my mom has been treated and operated on for several small tumors in her spine. These treatments left her without any sensation from her breasts down and a very limited ability to walk. She has also been partially fused through her spine which has, in turn, created a whole other level of issues she faces daily. Her muscles have severly atrophied. Her body is failing. She wants to fight but I see her want to give up as well.

She had another appointment this past Tuesday. The doctor is suggesting a FULL fusion. This is permanent. Once you are fused to your skull, you won’t ever move the upper part of your body again. Daunting to say the least, especially for someone who contends with multiple other disabilities as well.

I think it was midway through the recording of the appointment that I realized that this was really happening. It has been about eighteen months since this began and it is just now hitting me. When this all started I truly believe I was in survival mode. I still am.  Never graduating to acceptance. I still haven’t come to my own realization that I won’t ever have the mom I once knew. E will not remember the days that grandma did everything with him because he was too young to store those memories. We all have different relationships with my mom now. Mine is still out in limbo at the moment. I haven’t quite been able to be comfortable with what has happened. I am very angry.

I learned when I was young that life was not fair. My mom reminded me time and time again when things did not go my way. I don’t think I fully understood how unfair it could be until these last two years. I have seen a woman who has worked her whole life to provide for everyone around her lose everything in the matter of months. I am not talking about material things, although she has lost those as well. I am speaking of the simple abilities we all take for granted on a daily basis. I never expected for things to end up here with my mom. Faith and hope always made me think of a brighter, more positive future for her. Now, I am left wondering how much more a person can handle and when will this finally end. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it will be anytime soon.

The thought of driving to the city five times a week and an hour away from my home with a 7 year-old in tow to sit in the ICU and watch my mom become dependent again on narcotics, is not appealing to say the least. I hate watching her go through this and I hate that my son sees this all as well. My mom was my support before this all started. She was the one who assisted me in being a single parent. Without her, I have no one to help care for my son in the coming months of craziness. E sees too much because of this. He too realizes at 7 that life is not fair.

With nothing being etched in stone as of yet, we will all wait and see what the doctors say. My hope is that of all the doctors I have been reaching out to, one will accept the plea to provide my mom with a second opinion. All I want to hear is that this is the only way and maybe I could promise to back down a bit. Somehow, the person in me believes that there could be other options.

I will not give up yet…this is worth it to me. I will exhaust all options before I give in to the fact that this is the only way. Until then…I still have my fingers and toes crossed.

On being me

I am not a perfect person, not to myself or anyone else around me. I have faults which I recognize quite often, I might add. I give in to temptation. I reason often with the decisions I make and looking at this life and realizing that I only have one shot at it. The one thing I know in all of this is that I do the things I do most of the time because my heart leads the way. It usually isn’t too long before I snap back into reality and see any error in my way. Today is that day.

We walk a fine line in this life between what is real and trying to control things to make them the way we see they should be or want them to be. I have been guilty of this often. Since my intentions almost always seem to have merit,  and come from a place where they feel sincere I tend to disregard the negative connotation that creeps around the back of my skull. But for some reason, I am different now. It seems that all the years of hurt and disappointment have led me to a place where I can see that I have to judge internally before I act externally. This doesn’t mean that I have to lose my impulsive side. I cherish this side of me in some respects. It usually makes for some really good stories but has included some serious heart ache in years past. I am learning to find a good balance between the two. Unfortunately, learning never usually exists without consequence.

Even though I usually land in a place where I figured I would, I can’t help but always wonder what if things had been different. I strive to rid myself of the “what ifs”. I am making an effort to remember how I got here and never to let that happen again. I can’t let my insecurities dictate what I do. In letting myself lose control of a given situation, I am the only who truly wins. Not that any of this is a competition. But, for me, it means that I have done what is best for me and won the ability to love myself. Because, after all, isn’t that what life is about? Loving yourself and those around you that prove they are deserving of that devotion.

The most debilitating trait I have is also the most desirable trait of me. I see the good in everyone, or at least I try. I think that is what gets me in the most trouble. I want to believe that despite bad behavior, there is good in there somewhere. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After so many conversations with people in my life, I now realize that not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. And what is even more satisfying is feeling this before I even have the chance to react. I can see it coming a mile away. This always involves some bad decision-making in the process, but again I am finally now seeing what I do and recognizing that.

In some bizarre way I am grateful for having gone through the things that I have. I see what is real now instead of what I wanted to see. Those dreams never turn out exactly the way we had hoped. The people who were never really in your life to begin with but you wished were seem to fall away, and the ones who fight for you are the ones who stick around. Even the people who seem to resurface from time to time show their true colors almost immediately. No more reading between the lines for this girl. My head will no longer be in the clouds when I am making my way through my life. I will be holding those people accountable for their actions and never will I make another excuse for anyones shortcomings.

After so many downs, I finally am finding my path. One that consists of me and my people. The people who have proven to me that they deserve to be a part of my life. I am letting go of the ones that have shown me otherwise. No one is perfect but I think it is fairly easy to see who belongs and who doesnt’. The hard part is letting go, but once that happens, the rest is easy. I will just keep reminding myself that I love me more than anything. I know where my heart is and I am keeping it right there. The rest will eventually fall into place…

Wow…after all this self-discovery who knows what is next. I may even be ready to date. Ugh! That’s another post all in itself.

The calm after the storm

So after another long weekend (chosen for me not by me), and much of my life scattered in a dumpster and the local Goodwill, I finally find time to sit and write. No doubt that this time can only occur one place, work! Haha. We started the weekend with a busy Friday night at one of my very best friends house with a house full of kiddos. Who knew six kids, two babies, and three moms could have so much fun with a Wii and Just Dance 3! Good times had by all!

E actually did leave this weekend for his day trip to DB’s. I made sure to address the situation afore-mentioned in one of my last posts regarding his lack of decision making in relation to my son. Fortunately for him, he smoothed things over, not necessarily to my liking but good enough to pick his son up for a day.

Fast forward to 12:01 pm, exactly one minute after my son exited the doorway. This was the moment I began to get my ass in gear and start working on the declutter of my home. I decided a while ago that if I had to move and start over somewhere new, I was taking less than half of my shit with me. After 24 hours of work, I am proud to say I made at least some progress.

I was up to my usual routine this weekend with the added bonus being all the progress I made. See I am not a hoarder, per se, but I do hang onto everything. I am that person who realizes that I hang on to those things because I can find sentimental value in a god-damn pencil. Notice, I say I realize this. Which is why after about 9 bags and multiple items and a trunk load of garbage, I made my way to dispose of said items…and I feel so much better already. I’m letting it go and honestly, I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

Moving right along to Sunday evening. E comes home at 3 and I am on a roll. I suggest we head to the store as I am in need of a few under the bed storage boxes to complete more organizing. He has been anxious to spend a gift card he received from his birthday that I have been hanging onto for a rainy day. Once we return it’s dinner time. Soon after, it’s time for relaxing followed by bed time. Once E is in bed for the evening I plop on my chair and crack open my book. Only about five minutes into my read I am disturbed by a text message…

I delete them often so I don’t have the exact text but the message is from DB and says something like…”Is there anyway we can talk things out and act normal?”

To which I responded…”I’m pretty sure this is as normal as it gets for us considering the circumstances.” This obviously was not enough for him. I am not a texter, I mean I am, but I would rather not talk about something that could be misconstrued by text message. So after a few brief messages I picked up the phone to call him. This being our second actual conversation in almost 8 months, I wanted to get it over with and say what needed to be said. I was certain this was about the whole gf thing that has been the focus of any exchange for the last several weeks. (Which I have yet to figure out why…or have I)

So the short is this…the conversation ensued as “normal”. Normal for us may not be normal to others but moving forward. It was clear to see from about five minutes in that this talk was going to take a nose dive and I could do nothing to stop it. It wasn’t long that he agreed I was right about the gf not being around our kid. I only pressed this issue because I know that it won’t last. I only know this because I know DB and his patterns. I wouldn’t have a clue but he always find a way to keep me in the loop even though I constantly tell him I don’t want to know. Anyhow, what started as a conversation regarding the dysfunctional parenting techniques we have and why they need to be changed, quickly transformed into two ex’s talking about ex business not kid business.

There is a part of DB missing, someone stole it a long time ago. Maybe it was when he was given the right to choose between his mom and dad at 8, or when his mom gave up without a fight because she knew she couldn’t handle it. Who knows, not me anymore. What I do know is that it is not my problem anymore but I can’t help but still feel some pity for him watching him stumble around trying to make it seem like he has it all together.

He met his gf a mere 2 weeks after walking out and never looked back. This conversation was the eye-opening experience I needed to see in order to get past that pit fall. I realized in a few minutes that he didn’t love her. He didn’t choose someone better than me.  He only desired to have something there to keep his mind off the fact that internally he has nothing. DB gave up his soul years ago to be the person that never had to worry about feeling bad because he gave nothing and lost nothing in return. We are very different people on the inside.

After almost three hours on the phone, I learned what was really going on instead of speculating for all this time. I learned based on his actions and how he talked about things rather than what he said. The fact that he wanted to come over and do things I will never do with him again told me exactly what I needed to hear. He didn’t change for her, he won’t change for anyone. It was what I need to know in order to realize that I don’t belong with him because I want something different from what he is. Maybe he will be wonderful for someone, but that someone isn’t me. Actually, at the end of it all I found myself feeling sad that she would probably have to go through some really hard times to move past this once it ended, and it would surely end.

Once I figured out that he was now doing the same thing to her that he had done to me over so many years, it finally sunk in for me. It took a couple of days of mulling things over to get there but I feel so great. Finally that weight has been lifted and I can say that I am one step forward in my quest for forgiveness. Yay me.

To her, I would like to say I know how it feels to see him in there somewhere but not really know the whole truth. I hope you don’t get hurt as badly as I did and I wish both of them the best. Really I do. I am finally free.

Fingers and toes crossed…

…That this upcoming year throws some new opportunities my way. I am not going to be that person that thinks that just because it is a new year that I can use “only” this time to change. But, I am going to force myself to use it as a reset button so to speak. This  last year was difficult, not only for me, but for so many around myself. My son finally lost his family, what little of it ever existed. My mom lost the ability to walk and the course of her life changed forever. My gram lost her life, which is still so fresh in my mind. My bff will be ending her marriage shortly as it was determined this year as well. I lost my other bff (which is still almost impossible to admit) and I still have no idea why. I wish I could list a million amazing things that happened, but this year, the bad has far out weighed the good resulting in many new starts for the people around me, as well as myself and my son.

I keep telling myself if I get one break, that will change my course. Although, I know that I create my own breaks in life. I know I should refuse to become a victim of circumstance, but I am just not built that way. Nor do I possess the tools to pick up the pieces as of yet. I haven’t done that in almost eight years…they are still scattered around the floor.

I am happy most days, just to have my son. He is my reminder that all that I have endured has been for him. I would never choose it to be any other way. My goal for this upcoming year is to give him the mom he deserves. One that has dreams and goals, and doesn’t just settle for what life has thrown in her direction. I want this so he knows that he can have the same.

Once upon a time, I used to have no problem starting over. The only way that I am ever going to progress in life is if I choose a new path. Why does that have to be so intimidating??? Ugh! I suppose its like ripping of the band-aid. I just have to stop staring at it and get it over with.

About 12 years ago, I chucked it all. My job, my personal items, my car were all “things” I liquidated in order to start over. I sold most of what I had piece by piece and packed what was left and bought a ticket over seas to England. See, my sister and her now husband where part of a newly signed band and had this incredible opportunity to tour Europe and England for three months. As soon as my sister found out, she insisted that I come along. This invitation was two-fold. My mom, who had met a man boy online, was staying in the south of England while my sister and her band toured. I would be staying with my mom and the family she was staying with and meeting up with my sister along the way. It took me about five minutes to get the ball rolling and soon enough I was on my way. I never looked back. I had no problem at all uprooting my life and starting fresh. Little did I know that I would waltz right into one of the most horrendous heart breaks I had ever experienced. But that is for a completely separate post.

The moral here is that I did it. I started over. I have done it so many times throughout my life that I have lost count and never had any difficulty doing so. That was me back then. I was fearless and felt as though I could do anything I wanted whether it was in arms reach or not. That was twelve years ago and I am a much different person now. I am far too careful and cynical. I have grown to believe that I don’t deserve another shot.

When I told my dad that I was expecting E, and that his father had suggested an abortion which I could not agree with, his exact words to me were, “You made your bed, and now YOU will have to lay in it.” I have never forgotten that statement and lay in that bed I have. So much so that I have completely lost that person who started over so many times in the past. With my upcoming foreclosure of my home, I am faced with the daunting task of finding my small little family of two plus our pup a new place to call home. But something else is on my horizon.

I have, for the last several months, been contemplating a career change. I chose my current position upon my arrival back to the U.S. after my trip to England as a temporary means of survival. Little did I know that within the few years that followed that I would meet DB and conceive E and my life as I thought it to be would be changed from that point forward. I stayed at my job and settled because I knew I had to provide for me and my son on my own. This career change will require me to quit my current job and use the opportunity to live in my house rent free for the next nine to twelve months while I complete school and become a cosmetologist. Wow, even typing that is scary to me.

The fear is not generated by feelings of inability to complete this task but more so about what this means for my son. I know that if it were just me, the decision would be easy. However, when I think of E and the effect that it would have on him I am frozen solid with fear. We won’t have the nest egg I have created to find a new place once we have to leave our home. I would be using this money to keep us afloat until school was completed. That leaves a taste of uncertainty in mouth I am not sure I can resolve.

So for today, I am just putting it out there in the universe. I am going to let it resonate with me for just a bit longer and see how things fall into or out-of-place. I have become a realist over the years but sometimes I can scrape up a dream or two along the way. We shall see if this dream has the potential to become reality. Until then…

I can only control me

Today, I have to keep reminding myself of this simple statement over and over again. Very seldom will you ever hear me ranting about the DB (my son’s father) on my blog. Basically, it doesn’t make any sense to give someone attention that they so obviously do not deserve. I don’t let the things he does, or rather doesn’t do bother me much anymore. The only time I fret is when I see pain in my sons face. This is when my inner being goes nutso.

I decided to put this story out there today because I am sure there are other single mamas that are very familiar with what I go through on a daily basis in regards to a father that is just not willing to be a dad. There is a difference! I won’t go into detail about how I feel about what he did these past few weeks, but rather, I will give you the facts and openly welcome any comments regarding this matter.

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t give you a brief background of our story. So the short is…I tried, very hard to work things out with E’s dad. I felt that if I kept us together he would be a better dad and my son would then have all the pieces of the puzzle complete. I realized after far too many years (and lots of on and off) that he just did not have it in him. He basically walked out this past summer with no explanation to me after I commented to him that if I was going to be a single parent…then I might as well be single. I guess he took the hint. So since that time, we have had very little contact. He sees E one day a week and has NEVER asked for any other time. Oh and we live about 4 miles away from each other.

Soon after we split, like about three weeks soon, he informed me that he had a new girlfriend. Obviously, we can all put two and two together. This gf has gone from being the greatest thing ever, to being the biggest bitch ever, back to being the greatest thing all in the matter of the last six months. He swore to me a couple of months ago that he would not be bringing her around my son anymore (she met him once without any prior notice to me). This was said to me totally on his own without any provocation from myself. Well, low and behold, they are back together. Wow, shocker! I found this out when I asked if he planned on having anyone with him on Christmas that I needed to be aware of. At that time, he mentioned that he wanted to invite his gf to celebrate the few hours he had with his son that week. Needless to say, I did not think that was appropriate. Not only does E not even know his dad has a gf…Christmas was probably not the right time to make this introduction since they have only been back on for a few short weeks. He reluctantly agreed to my request to wait and see.

Well the DB has a short attention span and waited a whopping week to make this an issue once again. Only this time he informed me that, “My gf will be with me on nye, which is Saturday and will be here for the whole weekend.” To which my response was, “Guess who won’t be coming this weekend then?” My only comment other than that was that it was inappropriate for him to have his gf, a person my son did not know, and that I did not know, having sleepovers during his 24 hour a week visitation. He hasn’t even told E he has a gf, let alone having a surprise sleepover with said gf. Ummm, he is a person too ya know and deserves a little respect!

So here we are, exactly a week after that comment…he has said nothing since then. Never saw E this weekend at all. Finally after mom and E’s fun-filled weekend trip to the indoor water park (I always find a way to distract him so he doesn’t realize he was blown off), E says to me, “Mom, my dad doesn’t want me, does he?” Well, I could still feel my heart shattering. My poor little guy should never feel that disappointment, especially not at 7! My response to his question, “E, Mom will always want you and that won’t ever change!” We hugged and got on with our day and he hasn’t made mention of it since.

So to my few readers out there, what would you have done? I chose to keep E home, or rather give DB an option which he so blatantly chose something other than being with E, for many reasons. Most of all, because he does not need to see anymore dysfunctional relationship patterns. I made the mistake of allowing him to see them with his father and myself. I have no problem with the two of us moving on. But I do feel there is a right way to go about introducing new people into my son’s life. Throwing E into each other’s life head first without warning is not it. I can only control me, is what I keep telling myself…what would your advice be?

 

Psychic reading….round 2

Here I sit, on a gloomy Tuesday morning, replaying the conversation last night and attempting to pin-point where all the information I am digesting will fit into my life. I finally had my appointment last night and I am feeling somewhat torn about the outcome. I realize that much of what is discussed in my reading doesn’t become relevent to me right away. I learned that the last time around. However, with so much constant turmoil in my head and heart, I can’t help but be somewhat surprised about the psychic’s take on things.

So here’s how it goes…He actually says he thinks I am ok! Ok, as in general with life, and living it. This was the first comment made to me and to be honest, I wondered how he could have gotten that at all. He said that he has encountered many people who are so far from ok…but I on the other hand was doing just fine. So why then do I not feel fine? Most days I feel like I could rip my hair out at the time I have spent feeling anything but ok. If this is ok, then what the fuck is not ok. Ugh….I digress.

I suppose I am pretty good at making it seem like I am ok…it is usually here on my blog and very seldom anywhere else in my life that I cave and acknowledge the fact that I feel anything but OK. I know my mom knows and my sister of course. They see the sadness in my eyes and discontent for how things are turning out. But, this is not about how miserable I am, or is it? Hmmm.

We continued to talk about what he picked up on through talking to me. I have to say, the more I sit and think about his perception the more I wonder who I really am anyway or at least who people think I am. While it appears to the psychic that I have “good, positive” energy, most days I feel like I am defeated. Mostly I feel that I have lost the opportunity to make positive things happen in my life. Really, I am not trying to rain on this parade. However, I really feel conflicted knowing in my heart that I do not feel this positive, good, ok energy on a daily basis.

So the short of this is, we talked a lot about my gram and what her messages to me were, as well as other spirit guides. One of which I had an interaction with around the time of my gram’s death. I left the reading with little hope for the things I crave so desperately in my life. Actually, none at all. I hung up the phone feeling even more defeated than usual knowing that this is the life I HAVE to live. Like it, or not. Nothing seems to be changing for the better in my near future. I have to keep on surviving and this reminds me I do very little living in the mean time. I try so hard to enjoy my son and focus on him, but I know there has to be something else because I feel so strongly that something is missing. The dreams I have had throughout my life have all since died, and have been buried along side any hope I had to become “OK”.

I know there are things that I do not understand. I don’t know that I ever want to understand them. I sit here at 33 years old and wonder how much more time will be wasted on enduring this life. I do the best with what is in my control, but find that the more I hope and pray for change, it never comes. I am stuck. And it looks like I am going to be stuck for quite some time. Yay, can’t wait for the future (insert sarcasm here). I think I am done with readings at the moment, although I don’t walk into them expecting to hear that all my dreams will come true…a little hope that change is coming would always be nice.